The Ugly Truth

I have reached a bodhisattvas like stage in my life where I can say that a certain dude is butt ugly, without the obligatory, “no homo” comment that somehow grants a man complete gay immunity. I never understood the “no homo” statement …….saying you’re not gay after a gay comment should not exalt you. I remember friend number one making a homoerotic observation, followed by silence; then watched friend number two apprehensively clench his fists, awaiting for friend number one to fill the conversation chasm with the “no homo” reset button. If someone goes out of their way to say that there are not gay……shouldn’t we just assume he’s putting from the rough? It’s like when someone starts off a rant by stating, “no offence”. You can bet your life that whatever follows that will be offensive. Sorry for the digression but I was thinking about the ugliest celebrities in the world when thinking of that rant. I’ve made a list of the world’s ugliest celebrities that are stuck somewhere at the tail end of the evolutionary scale. While it’s not politically correct, I’ll use the TMZ bailout rule that is used anytime paparazzi want to get away with suspect behaviour; this is the price they pay for living in the public life.

Without further ado………….

Dikembe Mutombo – This mug is why he blocked shots at will. Think about it……there are plenty of centers that are as big and athletic as Dikembe yet he kills them all in shot blocking. It’s his hideous face that deters oncoming slashers, who throw the ball up Hail Mary style once they get a glance of that thing that grows out of his neck.

Patrick Ewing – How this man procreated is living proof that the NBA truly cares.

Ninja Man – ……………….

Shabba Ranks – The 8th Wonder of the World. I’ll let Marlon Wayans take over from here.

Steve Buscemi – Nice little niche actor with only one barrier preventing him from being a leading man. His GRILL!!

John C. Reilly – Only in a capitalistic society can Reilly be married.

Lexington Steele – The Denzel of this list but still not saying much.

Clint Howard – This man should be caged and studied………so future society’s can understand why we drove our civilization to extinction.

Rinaldinho –  If your familiar with Rinaldinho, it might have taken you awhile to notice that this picture isn’t him. Two show you how random women are; one girl told me that she loved his smile. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and then went to bed………….only to wake up in mid laughter.

Willem Dafoe – This is my boy but he looks like a toon from the movie Cool World that came to life.

Flavor Flav – If aliens descended on our planet and their first human interaction was with Flavor Flav, would that be good or bad for the fate of our planet? He could look like them, which would promote a sense of familiarity; or he could totally misrepresent what we look like as a species and cause world-wide genocide for being so fugly.

Hedu Turkoglu – A wise man once said that “Hedu looks like God wanted to make him retarded but changed his mind at the last second”. Had to come correct for this one since Hedu played his heart out for my beloved Raptors.

Luis Guzman – Apparently Shrek was a documentry on this man.


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